Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Depression Lies

I am living with the fact that there is a hovering sense of emptiness. sorrow. sadness. hollowness.

The question of why bother? What difference does it make if I get out of bed? I feel like my limbs are frozen in fear. The feeling that I must sleep because that option is the only one I have.

 I read something from thebloggess.com and she talked about how depression lies. I hate being lied to. I hate that my mind/body/soul are fighting a battle against a liar.

How do you win when it is your own body you are fighting?

I am doing my best to take it second by second. If I look too far forward, panic hits. I want to be better.

That is why I will do my best not to be scared. To fight back with everything I have.


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Live in the moment

I want to document this moment and keep it close to my heart:

A lazy Sunday


Sitting on the couch playing a game on her phone, amber sits to my left. Red Hot hair in a messy bun. PJ's that are too big on her now that she's losing weight. 

Curled in a ball to her left, on the floor, lies Sammy. Tired and sleepy from a walk Willie gave him. 

Ice packs on my back,to help a spasm from the water ballon filing for Elizabeth's bday.  I use my TiVo app to record shows for the week. I am wearing clothes that, at one time, were too tight and now are too loose. 


I am playing pandora's young punk radio on my iPhone. Amber and I sing absentmindedly to our old favorites. Songs we will still know all the word to. 

I want to remember this moment. 

Amber's smaller hands holding a cigarette. 

Sammy's suddenly decides that underneath the sofa is more comfy. 

When I call for him, he crawls out and bolts to give me licks. 

How he twists in a ball an lets me kiss him. 

I want to remember how the air felt. The last days of summer are here. There's a lightness in the air that means fall is coming. 

I want to remember that moments like these are rare. I want to remember to seek these moments out. 

The simple act of being comfortable and peace in the air. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A Declaration

My Declaration:

I’ve thought a lot about what I want from life lately. I have decided to use blog this as a place to track my life. I want to track the good, the bad, and everything in between. I want to look back on my life and remember EVERYTHING. Starting now. No rules. No anxiety about how often I will post and if anyone will ever read this. This is for me. And me alone.

 I am 27 and I am a survivor. I have faced challenges that have bruised me emotionally and physically, but the one thing that always remains…ME! I am here. I will live my life. I will not let anxiety, ocd, depression, or anything else get in my way.

I will document my life. I will live my life. I will face every challenge to the best of my ability.

Watch out world, I’m not backing down.