Depression Lies

I am living with the fact that there is a hovering sense of emptiness. sorrow. sadness. hollowness.

The question of why bother? What difference does it make if I get out of bed? I feel like my limbs are frozen in fear. The feeling that I must sleep because that option is the only one I have.

 I read something from thebloggess.com and she talked about how depression lies. I hate being lied to. I hate that my mind/body/soul are fighting a battle against a liar.

How do you win when it is your own body you are fighting?

I am doing my best to take it second by second. If I look too far forward, panic hits. I want to be better.

That is why I will do my best not to be scared. To fight back with everything I have.

 

Live in the moment

I want to document this moment and keep it close to my heart:

A lazy Sunday

Scene:

Sitting on the couch playing a game on her phone, amber sits to my left. Red Hot hair in a messy bun. PJ's that are too big on her now that she's losing weight. 

Curled in a ball to her left, on the floor, lies Sammy. Tired and sleepy from a walk Willie gave him. 

Ice packs on my back,to help a spasm from the water ballon filing for Elizabeth's bday.  I use my TiVo app to record shows for the week. I am wearing clothes that, at one time, were too tight and now are too loose. 

Sounds:

I am playing pandora's young punk radio on my iPhone. Amber and I sing absentmindedly to our old favorites. Songs we will still know all the word to. 

I want to remember this moment. 

Amber's smaller hands holding a cigarette. 

Sammy's suddenly decides that underneath the sofa is more comfy. 

When I call for him, he crawls out and bolts to give me licks. 

How he twists in a ball an lets me kiss him. 

I want to remember how the air felt. The last days of summer are here. There's a lightness in the air that means fall is coming. 

I want to remember that moments like these are rare. I want to remember to seek these moments out. 

The simple act of being comfortable and peace in the air. 

A Declaration

My Declaration:

I’ve thought a lot about what I want from life lately. I have decided to use blog this as a place to track my life. I want to track the good, the bad, and everything in between. I want to look back on my life and remember EVERYTHING. Starting now. No rules. No anxiety about how often I will post and if anyone will ever read this. This is for me. And me alone.

 I am 27 and I am a survivor. I have faced challenges that have bruised me emotionally and physically, but the one thing that always remains…ME! I am here. I will live my life. I will not let anxiety, ocd, depression, or anything else get in my way.

I will document my life. I will live my life. I will face every challenge to the best of my ability.

Watch out world, I’m not backing down.

Week 3, Month 1

Week 3 has been a bit challenging. I walked 1.7 miles Monday afternoon on my day off, and some yoga last night to stretch the aches out. I hurt my left knee at the beginning of the week. I slipped on some water and basically S-L-A-M-M-E-D my knee into the wall. To say it hurt is an understatement. This is the knee I tore my ACL when I was 11 and ended up in a full length cast for TWO months during the summer!

I iced the knee for a few hours and there was a massive knot on the top. Now this story, like most I have, is about to take a twist. It's my RIGHT knee that hurts. My left knee is FINE. I have NO IDEA what happened. I do, however, have my suspicions:

Option 1. When I hurt my left knee, I over compensated by walking funny, which led to the right one hurting.

Option 2. It's some of option 1, PLUS: I've been moving more and this was my knee's way of telling me to take it easy.

Option 3. This is the scary one *there always has to be a scary one.*

I was in a car accident a week before the first day of freshman year of high school. My head hit the dash, both of my wrists went through the vents, and my right knee hit the dash. The doctors said I had water under my knee and a lot of swelling. At the time, I had a sinus infection which they gave me antibiotics for.

When I went to the ortho appointment a few days later, the water didn't show up on the x-ray anymore, but I still had a lot of swelling. The theory was that since I had taken the antibiotics, there was a chance that they cleared up the water. Weird, I know. BUT, this was after a traumatic event, AND 3 years after the ACL surgery. I was so excited that I didn't need another surgery, that I went on my merry little way.

A month later the swelling was still there, but they assured me that the X-rays showed nothing that required surgery. Fast forward to the present.

I STILL HAVE THAT SWOLLEN SPOT ON MY KNEE!

I have been living in a state of denial for 12 years. I figured if I'm fat and you can't really tell I have the swelling, unless you look closely. If it doesn't hurt, ignore it. That was my motto. WAS.

I have been trying to get an ortho appointment for 2 days. No doctor has an opening in the next few weeks, so tonight, I'm going to the ER to get checked out.

I hope it's nothing, but I want to know. I know something is off, even if I just need to take it easy.

This journey has brought me to some realizations I never dreamed of having. In the past, I would have let this derail me. Don't get me wrong, this sucks. But the difference now, is that I will continue on with my weight loss and exercise. I am in physical pain with my knee, but emotionally, I feel on top of the world.

I'm really proud of myself.

Week 2, Month 1

Here it is.

I do not like tracking calories. I just don't do well with tracking EVERYTHING.

I tried weight watchers when I was in High School and it was the same problem. I would freak out if I was 2 points over or 2 points under. I felt like I was ALWAYS thinking about food.

I got sick the last week, after the yucky Six Flags trip, and fell off the 'calorie watching' wagon. in that first week, I noticed that my habits have changed enough that I don't need to count calories. I was able to stay around 1700-1800 calories a day anyway! I was a bit shocked.

So, I have decided to go back to what has been working for the past 6 months. I am going to listen to my body. I will eat when hungry, I won't if I'm not. Simple as that.

I will take every opportunity to eat healthy. I read motivational weight loss blogs. I keep an eye on pinterest for healthy options. I find that I CRAVE fruit after a walk. I LIKE quiona and asparagus. I'm good.

I trust myself to be ok. I will still need someone (mainly Amber) to talk me off a ledge sometimes, but I realized that is ok. I'm human. I make mistakes. This isn't a yo-yo diet anymore. I will lose as much as I can and be as healthy as I can until I need to make a change.

I've got a handle on my life (atleast for now).

Six Flags! Week 1 (Day 6)

Today was Six Flags. It was kinda yucky and rainy. Bright side was Cracker Barrel!

 

 

On our way, Triboro Bridge

Nice view of Yankee Stadium

GWB

 

we all had a nice laugh over the 'humps'

 

Amber and I split funnel cake and chocolate ice cream

 

and the best end to the day

 

 

Breakfast (420 cal)
Everything bagel w/cream cheese before heading off to Six Flags

Lunch (380 cal)
Funnel cake with ice cream

Snack (100 cal)
Kellogg's Special K Pastry Crisp

Dinner (939 cal)
Chopped Sirloin steak
mac n cheese
mashed potatoes
dumplings

Snack (360 cal)
1 cup walnuts

Water (8 oz)
6 cups

Week 1 (Day 5)

I am so sore from the concert last night. I feel like I can barely move. Willie wants to go to EDC at Citi Field to see if we can catch any of the music, but I'm not so sure about it right now. We have Great Adventure tomorrow, so tonight may turn into cleaning and then relaxing.

Either way, I had a Non-Scale Victory (NSV) this morning. The top I bought a week ago to go to the Biggest Loser Casting in Philly, is a little looser than it was! In just a week. I can't wait to do my measurements Sunday!



Breakfast (100 cal)
Kudos Snickers Bar

Lunch (190 cal)
Nature Valley Oats 'n Honey Bar

Snack (183 cal)
Home made Trail Mix
(craisins, walnuts, pecans)

Dinner (1108 cal)
Cheeseburger w/bun
Broccoli (roasted in oven, meh)
Roasted Potatoes (yummy)


no snack


Water (8 oz)
9 cups  (apparently, I was thirsty)

Paramore!!!

Amber and I went to see Paramore at the Hamerstein Ballroom! Doors opened at 6:30. When we got there, the line was completely around the block. It was nuts. People had been waiting in line since 7 AM. Thank goodness the line moved fast and we were in at 7:20.

Side note: I have a slight love of the old water towers that are on NYC rooftops.

 

And waiting gave me a few minutes to snap some touristy photos, like this one of the New Yorker sign...

 

...and the Empire State Building.

 

 

Spoiler Alert: Blurry, obligatory, concert photos ahead.



Kitten opened at 8.

 

They were ok.

 

Paramore was on around 9. It was an awesome concert.

 

 

I had fun. Now on to EDC at Citi Field and listen from the parking lot Friday :)

 

Week 1 (Day 4)

Today is a 'rest' day, but I'm not sure how much resting I did. I really wanted to get up at 6am and do a walk, but Amber said I shouldn't since we had the concert tonight. I think she was right.

It was really hard to eat breakfast. I forced myself to eat throughout the time at work. I left work at 2 for the concert. I basically ate all day long. I never got hungry and I was actually annoyed with food.

Got home, ate dinner, got ready, went to the concert, got home at 12-ish.

Now here's where I had an oopsie. I kinda had rice-a-roni and milky way. I used all my exercise calories, so I didn't go into the red, but I ate over 2000 calories. I know what happened and I know how to combat it in the future.

No more dinners at 4 pm!


Paramore!!

Breakfast (139 cal)
1 cup cantaloupe
1 cup honeydew

Lunch (183 cal)
Craisins, Walnuts, Pecans

Dinner (1139 cal)
Taco Salad (made with rice)

Paramore Concert!!!

Snack (100)
Fudge Bar

Oopsie Dinner (800 cal)
Rice-a-roni
Milky Way Bar

Water (8 oz)
7 cups

Week 1 (Day 3)

Today was awesome! I started using the My Fitness Pal app that Kim suggested. I really like it. It keeps track of EVERYTHING. I made some smarter choices because of it. Only draw back, I wish there was an option to not have the exercise calories added into the daily allowance. Other than that, it rocks!

I did a 2 mile walk with Sammy at 7PM. I chose the route this time, so it wasn't as wonky.

 I'm really proud of myself today. I was really tired and sore, but I knew it had to be done. I walked with my new shoes, which started to hurt around the 1 mile mark. I wanted to slow down while doing my "hills," but I pushed through. Thank goodness for music!

I came home and hopped in a really hot shower. It felt so good to feel my muscles relaxing. I really need to figure out a post workout stretch routine. Especially since my calf muscles have been so tight lately.

After the shower was dinner, some tv, and sleep by 10PM.

What I ate:

Breakfast (140 cal)
1 cup Cantelope & 1 cup Honeydew

Lunch (470 cal)
 Tuna Sandwich

After workout snack (45 cal)
1/2 chewy oatmeal raisin bar

Dinner (1225 cal)
Taco Salad* (cheese and sour cream)
*I made it on a bed of lettuce and only crumbled 3 chips on top.

Exercise
1 mile walk from train (200 cal)
2 mile walk in park (600 cal)


This was my first day and I definitely hit my goal for the day. I also learned a few things. I need to incorporate a few more snacks during the day, and have a lighter calorie dinner. Especially on rest days.

Week 1 (Day 2)

Bought new sneakers for walking. Cute, cheap. We shall see.

Kept it low key. Washed dishes, walked the dog a bit. Basically rested. 

I had a rough time falling asleep. Planning on a 2 mile walk tomorrow.

 

Week 1 (Day 1)

I decided to track my workouts here. I walk everyday for minimum 1 mile since I take the train home, but I don't think I'm gonna journal that if it's all I do that day. I think this will help me long term. I'll be able to see patterns and diagnose any plateaus as they happen. (Plus, I'm neurotic and this is my life lol)

I guess yesterday was Week 1 Day 1. That's how I'll keep track maybe. Who knows, I could change my mind.

In addition to my 1 mile walk home from the train, I went on a 2.5 mile walk with Sammy last night.

 

 

I let him lead the way, stopping a bit when he needed to, which made for an interesting looking route! I would have gone faster, but I'm actually quite glad he was there to slow me down a bit.

 

I took some pictures during our walk:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had to run into Key Foods for mushrooms for dinner, or it would have read 2.5 miles. I enjoyed it, and I think Sammy did too!

Starting over

I am starting over. I am putting myself, and my health, first. I am going to be me, just with improved health. For the first time in my life. 26 years people.

I never thought I would be ok with proclaiming my weight to people. Especially online. Even though no one may ever see this blog, or my number, it was scary. Until now. Now I own it. I did this to myself. It's not okay, but that was my reality. Now, I'm ready to stand tall and say 'Never again.’

At my highest, only a few short months ago (September 2012), I was 320 pounds. Now, May 2013, I am 280. That's 40 pounds. FOURTY. That's 39 more than I thought I could lose when I started. I was in a severe depression at the time and something snapped. I woke up, and realized I wouldn't be around for all of life's big events if something didn't change.

I got a job that required 2 hours of commuting each way. I also had to walk 1.5 miles. So round trip, I was walking a minimum of 3 miles a day. The weight started coming off. Slowly, but that was ok. Then, I began eating better because my body demanded it. I needed healthy fuel to be able to tolerate 4 hours of commuting EVERY DAY.

After moving back to NY, I hurt my back. It set me back with exercise, but not eating. I was somehow able to find a strength I didn't know I had. I said NO. I said no to cookies, just because my back hurt. I said no to a depression that lies and tried to convince me to stay in bed. I said NO to the sad girl who never bothered fighting for herself. I fought. For the first time in my life, I fought for me and I didn't back down. I did it for everyone else for so long, and now is my time.

I'm not saying it's easy - it's actually the complete opposite. It’s freaking hard, but I'm ok with it being hard. When has anything in my life ever been easy when it was worth so much? And that's the best lesson so far. I am worth it. I can do this for me and it's ok to be a bit selfish.

I'm still learning. I wanted a brownie a few days ago, so I had it and it was the best damn brownie I had ever had. The reason it was so good, is that it had nothing to do with the brownie, but rather my thinking around it. In the past, I would have felt defeated for giving into a temptation. This time, I ate my brownie. BUT ONLY ONE! I knew I would have to add a little extra time to my exercise to make up for it, so I did 20 additional minutes of yoga.

Was it ok to have that brownie? I think so. I am proud of myself for stopping there and feeling satisfied. I didn't then go have a cheeseburger and fries or something equally bad. I ate my brownie and didn't let it derail me.

It may not be a big deal for some, but it’s the first time I accomplished this milestone in dieting and exercise. It’s so cliché to say that I’ve finally gotten it, but I think it’s just that. I had a moment with God that was so profound, I cried. I cried for the girl I used to be. I cried for that sad girl who thought she wasn’t good enough. I cried even harder when I realized I am.

Challenges come. I conquered a major one!


Here's a picture from December 2012 at about 300-ish. I'm not 100% sure.

 

 

Here's a picture from May 2013 at 280-ish pounds.

 

 

 

Look at the side by side:

 

 

The left my face is so much skinnier!