Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Depression Lies

I am living with the fact that there is a hovering sense of emptiness. sorrow. sadness. hollowness.

The question of why bother? What difference does it make if I get out of bed? I feel like my limbs are frozen in fear. The feeling that I must sleep because that option is the only one I have.

 I read something from thebloggess.com and she talked about how depression lies. I hate being lied to. I hate that my mind/body/soul are fighting a battle against a liar.

How do you win when it is your own body you are fighting?

I am doing my best to take it second by second. If I look too far forward, panic hits. I want to be better.

That is why I will do my best not to be scared. To fight back with everything I have.


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Live in the moment

I want to document this moment and keep it close to my heart:

A lazy Sunday


Sitting on the couch playing a game on her phone, amber sits to my left. Red Hot hair in a messy bun. PJ's that are too big on her now that she's losing weight. 

Curled in a ball to her left, on the floor, lies Sammy. Tired and sleepy from a walk Willie gave him. 

Ice packs on my back,to help a spasm from the water ballon filing for Elizabeth's bday.  I use my TiVo app to record shows for the week. I am wearing clothes that, at one time, were too tight and now are too loose. 


I am playing pandora's young punk radio on my iPhone. Amber and I sing absentmindedly to our old favorites. Songs we will still know all the word to. 

I want to remember this moment. 

Amber's smaller hands holding a cigarette. 

Sammy's suddenly decides that underneath the sofa is more comfy. 

When I call for him, he crawls out and bolts to give me licks. 

How he twists in a ball an lets me kiss him. 

I want to remember how the air felt. The last days of summer are here. There's a lightness in the air that means fall is coming. 

I want to remember that moments like these are rare. I want to remember to seek these moments out. 

The simple act of being comfortable and peace in the air. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A Declaration

My Declaration:

I’ve thought a lot about what I want from life lately. I have decided to use blog this as a place to track my life. I want to track the good, the bad, and everything in between. I want to look back on my life and remember EVERYTHING. Starting now. No rules. No anxiety about how often I will post and if anyone will ever read this. This is for me. And me alone.

 I am 27 and I am a survivor. I have faced challenges that have bruised me emotionally and physically, but the one thing that always remains…ME! I am here. I will live my life. I will not let anxiety, ocd, depression, or anything else get in my way.

I will document my life. I will live my life. I will face every challenge to the best of my ability.

Watch out world, I’m not backing down.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Week 3, Month 1

Week 3 has been a bit challenging. I walked 1.7 miles Monday afternoon on my day off, and some yoga last night to stretch the aches out. I hurt my left knee at the beginning of the week. I slipped on some water and basically S-L-A-M-M-E-D my knee into the wall. To say it hurt is an understatement. This is the knee I tore my ACL when I was 11 and ended up in a full length cast for TWO months during the summer!

I iced the knee for a few hours and there was a massive knot on the top. Now this story, like most I have, is about to take a twist. It's my RIGHT knee that hurts. My left knee is FINE. I have NO IDEA what happened. I do, however, have my suspicions:

Option 1. When I hurt my left knee, I over compensated by walking funny, which led to the right one hurting.

Option 2. It's some of option 1, PLUS: I've been moving more and this was my knee's way of telling me to take it easy.

Option 3. This is the scary one *there always has to be a scary one.*

I was in a car accident a week before the first day of freshman year of high school. My head hit the dash, both of my wrists went through the vents, and my right knee hit the dash. The doctors said I had water under my knee and a lot of swelling. At the time, I had a sinus infection which they gave me antibiotics for.

When I went to the ortho appointment a few days later, the water didn't show up on the x-ray anymore, but I still had a lot of swelling. The theory was that since I had taken the antibiotics, there was a chance that they cleared up the water. Weird, I know. BUT, this was after a traumatic event, AND 3 years after the ACL surgery. I was so excited that I didn't need another surgery, that I went on my merry little way.

A month later the swelling was still there, but they assured me that the X-rays showed nothing that required surgery. Fast forward to the present.


I have been living in a state of denial for 12 years. I figured if I'm fat and you can't really tell I have the swelling, unless you look closely. If it doesn't hurt, ignore it. That was my motto. WAS.

I have been trying to get an ortho appointment for 2 days. No doctor has an opening in the next few weeks, so tonight, I'm going to the ER to get checked out.

I hope it's nothing, but I want to know. I know something is off, even if I just need to take it easy.

This journey has brought me to some realizations I never dreamed of having. In the past, I would have let this derail me. Don't get me wrong, this sucks. But the difference now, is that I will continue on with my weight loss and exercise. I am in physical pain with my knee, but emotionally, I feel on top of the world.

I'm really proud of myself.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Week 2, Month 1

Here it is.

I do not like tracking calories. I just don't do well with tracking EVERYTHING.

I tried weight watchers when I was in High School and it was the same problem. I would freak out if I was 2 points over or 2 points under. I felt like I was ALWAYS thinking about food.

I got sick the last week, after the yucky Six Flags trip, and fell off the 'calorie watching' wagon. in that first week, I noticed that my habits have changed enough that I don't need to count calories. I was able to stay around 1700-1800 calories a day anyway! I was a bit shocked.

So, I have decided to go back to what has been working for the past 6 months. I am going to listen to my body. I will eat when hungry, I won't if I'm not. Simple as that.

I will take every opportunity to eat healthy. I read motivational weight loss blogs. I keep an eye on pinterest for healthy options. I find that I CRAVE fruit after a walk. I LIKE quiona and asparagus. I'm good.

I trust myself to be ok. I will still need someone (mainly Amber) to talk me off a ledge sometimes, but I realized that is ok. I'm human. I make mistakes. This isn't a yo-yo diet anymore. I will lose as much as I can and be as healthy as I can until I need to make a change.

I've got a handle on my life (atleast for now).

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Six Flags! Week 1 (Day 6)

Today was Six Flags. It was kinda yucky and rainy. Bright side was Cracker Barrel!



On our way, Triboro Bridge

Nice view of Yankee Stadium


we all had a nice laugh over the 'humps'

Amber and I split funnel cake and chocolate ice cream
and the best end to the day

Breakfast (420 cal)
Everything bagel w/cream cheese before heading off to Six Flags

Lunch (380 cal)
Funnel cake with ice cream

Snack (100 cal)
Kellogg's Special K Pastry Crisp

Dinner (939 cal)
Chopped Sirloin steak
mac n cheese
mashed potatoes

Snack (360 cal)
1 cup walnuts

Water (8 oz)
6 cups

Friday, May 17, 2013

Week 1 (Day 5)

I am so sore from the concert last night. I feel like I can barely move. Willie wants to go to EDC at Citi Field to see if we can catch any of the music, but I'm not so sure about it right now. We have Great Adventure tomorrow, so tonight may turn into cleaning and then relaxing.

Either way, I had a Non-Scale Victory (NSV) this morning. The top I bought a week ago to go to the Biggest Loser Casting in Philly, is a little looser than it was! In just a week. I can't wait to do my measurements Sunday!

Breakfast (100 cal)
Kudos Snickers Bar

Lunch (190 cal)
Nature Valley Oats 'n Honey Bar

Snack (183 cal)
Home made Trail Mix
(craisins, walnuts, pecans)

Dinner (1108 cal)
Cheeseburger w/bun
Broccoli (roasted in oven, meh)
Roasted Potatoes (yummy)

no snack

Water (8 oz)
9 cups  (apparently, I was thirsty)