I am starting over. I am putting myself, and my health, first. I am going to be me, just with improved health. For the first time in my life. 26 years people.
I never thought I would be ok with proclaiming my weight to people. Especially online. Even though no one may ever see this blog, or my number, it was scary. Until now. Now I own it. I did this to myself. It's not okay, but that was my reality. Now, I'm ready to stand tall and say 'Never again.’
At my highest, only a few short months ago (September 2012), I was 320 pounds. Now, May 2013, I am 280. That's 40 pounds. FOURTY. That's 39 more than I thought I could lose when I started. I was in a severe depression at the time and something snapped. I woke up, and realized I wouldn't be around for all of life's big events if something didn't change.
I got a job that required 2 hours of commuting each way. I also had to walk 1.5 miles. So round trip, I was walking a minimum of 3 miles a day. The weight started coming off. Slowly, but that was ok. Then, I began eating better because my body demanded it. I needed healthy fuel to be able to tolerate 4 hours of commuting EVERY DAY.
After moving back to NY, I hurt my back. It set me back with exercise, but not eating. I was somehow able to find a strength I didn't know I had. I said NO. I said no to cookies, just because my back hurt. I said no to a depression that lies and tried to convince me to stay in bed. I said NO to the sad girl who never bothered fighting for herself. I fought. For the first time in my life, I fought for me and I didn't back down. I did it for everyone else for so long, and now is my time.
I'm not saying it's easy - it's actually the complete opposite. It’s freaking hard, but I'm ok with it being hard. When has anything in my life ever been easy when it was worth so much? And that's the best lesson so far. I am worth it. I can do this for me and it's ok to be a bit selfish.
I'm still learning. I wanted a brownie a few days ago, so I had it and it was the best damn brownie I had ever had. The reason it was so good, is that it had nothing to do with the brownie, but rather my thinking around it. In the past, I would have felt defeated for giving into a temptation. This time, I ate my brownie. BUT ONLY ONE! I knew I would have to add a little extra time to my exercise to make up for it, so I did 20 additional minutes of yoga.
Was it ok to have that brownie? I think so. I am proud of myself for stopping there and feeling satisfied. I didn't then go have a cheeseburger and fries or something equally bad. I ate my brownie and didn't let it derail me.
It may not be a big deal for some, but it’s the first time I accomplished this milestone in dieting and exercise. It’s so cliché to say that I’ve finally gotten it, but I think it’s just that. I had a moment with God that was so profound, I cried. I cried for the girl I used to be. I cried for that sad girl who thought she wasn’t good enough. I cried even harder when I realized I am.
Challenges come. I conquered a major one!
Here's a picture from December 2012 at about 300-ish. I'm not 100% sure.
Look at the side by side:
The left my face is so much skinnier!